Jaimee's Life Blog

Tag Archives: anxiety

My eyes are closed,

I’m sitting-


On a hard something



I dare a peek

Blinding! Bright! Lights!

I gain focus,

Six of my friends-

some acquaintances, really-

Gaggled around me.





Sobs fill the air around me.

I can’t breathe-

I’m going to die-


I’m crying


My most well-known friend in the group-


wraps her arms around me.

I hug her back.

Look down,



Beep. Beep.

In the back of my mind,

I know-

Beep. Beep.

Something’s wrong-

Beep. Beep.

But I can’t-




“It’ll be okay”


And everything’s dark,



This is based on a nightmare I keep having. I’ve had it twice already. It feels like the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. I hope it doesn’t mean anything.

Uuuuhhhhh! I’ve had such a long week! It makes my neck hurt just to think about it!

Monday: I don’t remember Monday that much. It’s cloudy in my memory. I do know that we had a really creepy pervert-like substitute for Chorus. He looked like a leprechaun! Even with the pointy ears! This just made him all the worse.

Tuesday: We had our All-County Passoffs. This is where if you’re a clarinetist, you have to play 6 scales in 2 octaves, so it’s like 12 scales. For those who are musically confused, a scale is the do-re-mi song up and down. I had all of my notes and fingerings down and everything! But, I didn’t pass. The director said I wasn’t going the right tempo!!! What the heck!?! I’ve never heard anyone say they didn’t pass because of their tempo! I didn’t even know scales had tempos!! I thought you just played them at the tempo you were comfortable at! This meant I had to stay after school until I passed my scales (more below).

Wednesday: I started to come down with this really nasty cold. I think I was enjoying the cool weather too much. School was nice because everybody was so excited for Halloween. When I got home, the first thing my mom said to me was “You’re not going Trick-or-Treating, right?”. I looked at her like she was crazy and said,”Of course I’m going to get free candy!” because it was true. But, my brother, who is a year younger than me. deemed it uncool to go trick-or-treating once you’re in seventh grade. Since I’m in eighth grade, my mom just thought I wasn’t going even though I’d talked about it constantly since the beginning of October. So we got into a big argument about whether or not I should go until my dad walked in and saved the day. He ended up taking me trick-or-treating without my brother which was pretty odd because I’m so used to going with him.

My dad doesn’t know a thing about which neighborhoods to go to. When he said left, I said right. I ride my bike around every part of my neighborhood at least once a week, so I know where the rich houses are. But, he insisted on going on the darkest, emptiest streets which was not only disappointing and infuriating, but also really, really scary. I have kind of a lot of weirdos in my neighborhood and it was so dark outside I couldn’t even tell where we were, so at one point I accidentilly knocked on this creeper’s house and you wont believe what he said. “Oh, you look cute in that costume. Uh, How old are you?” I took off flying down the street. This guy was wackadoodleedoo.

I also didn’t get that much candy. At all. How do you justify getting only 1 Snickers? I usually get like 15!

Thursday: The creepy susbstitute was back! But, that was the least of my worries. Today was the first day of after-school band study. It was really fun because no adults were actually in the room so we all got to do crazy stuff like move the chairs around and play on the percussion which we weren’t supposed to ever do that. After a while we calmed down and actually started practicing. We had from 4:00 to 5:30 to pass off if we didn’t want to come back tommorrow. Nobody wanted to stay after school on a Friday so we all lined up as soon as we’d gotten our wits together. I was at the back of the line so I didn’t play until it was almost time to go.

Waiting in that line made me really, really nervous. When I got to Mrs. Bumbarger, I felt my lips get numb. I couldn’t make my mouth into the right shape for any sound to come out. When sound did start coming out, it sounded like shit. I could feel my face get hot and my head get light, like I was about to faint. I stopped right in the middle  of a scale because I just couldn’t do it. I was freaking out for really no reason. Just like, five minutes earlier, I’d been getting compliments like crazy. One girl even thought that I had faked failing on Tuesday just to come after school with my friends because I was so good. I knew I hadn’t passed but I could still read the director’s lips telling me so because my ears felt like they were full of cotton. All I heard were muffled sounds. Once I got out of the office, I put away my clarinet and went outside to get in my mom’s car.

She asked me what was wrong before I even took off my backpack to put on the seatbelt. I tried telling her but all that came out was either tears, frustration, or slurred jibberish. She told me to just relax but I couldn’t. I could barely breathe. I was gasping for air. It felt like I was in a vacuum, but at least I’d gotten my senses back. Then my chest started to hurt and I motioned this to her since I still couldn’t talk. She said I was having an anxiety attack-a bad one. It was just like having a heart attack. She also said that she used to have really bad anxiety attacks and that they run in the family. We went to the Publix because it’s right by the school and got me a giant drink. I felt better after that and some peace and quiet in the car.

Friday: I didn’t sleep at all last night because of my fiasco on Thursday. I was kind of falling asleep in third period Science when they called me, Samaria, and this new girl who I think her name’s Allie to the guidance lady in the front office. The first thing Samaria said to me when we were walking down the hall was “Do you know why we’re in trouble?” It was funny the way she said it. No, I actually had no idea why we were being called down, though. When we got there we were all handed new schedules. I think I’ve mentioned in a few posts before that in seventh grade you’re supposed to take this “Personal Developement” class, but I never took it in seventh grade so I had to take it in eighth. Well, now I have Personal Development for-what?-the next two weeks? That’s supposed to be a semester-long class. Why do I only have it for two weeks? Aaaaand, you will not believe what class I have to skip two weeks of: Band. I’m totally screwed. We’re supposed to be getting our Christmas music on Monday and All-County Tryouts (the real thing) are in a couple of days and uuuuuugh!

That’s all I can remember because I didn’t really sleep at all this entire week. I’ve been like a nervous wreck. There were a few good points of my week that I’m making into another post a little later. Kind of like a sister post to this one. The Good Side.

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